This week in class we were assigned to write about our top 10 favorite things we learned from class.  Here is my list:

Top 10 List

 Family Council:  I loved in class when we talked about having family council.  In a family council everyone’s voice can be heard.  Parents can use this time to hear their children’s opinions on different subjects.  I will have family council with my future family.

Preparing for a marriage not a wedding:  It is important when preparing to be married that the couples plan for a marriage not a wedding.  People get too caught up with the materialistic part of the wedding.  I am going to have a temple theme at my wedding reception.  I want to have a temple cake topper on my wedding cake.

Gay day:  I learned so much in class the day we talked about gays.  I learned about what they are going through.  God did not give them the temptation to like the members of their same sex.  Satan gave them that temptation.  And all temptation can be overcome. 

It takes three things to really know someone:  Talk- mutual disclosure, Togetherness- doing a variety of activities together, and Time- you don’t begin to really know someone until after 3 months.  I need to do these three things to know that I’m supposed to marry someone.  Plus a lot more.  But those three are very important.

The Book of Mormon is written for parents:  I never thought of that before.  There are the best and worst examples of parenting in the Book of Mormon.  If I want to be a good, beautiful, praiseworthy parent then I need to learn how to do it from the Book of Mormon. 

Sexual Intimacy:  I never knew how much communication is necessary for sexual intimacy within marriage.  I thought it all came naturally.  A husband and wife need to be in constant communication so that no one feels taken advantage of, and so each person can feel satisfied and that their needs are being filled.

Dating:  we need to date a variety of different people.  Do not date a project.  When beauty meets or dates a beast, she becomes a beast.  She usually lowers her standards down to his level.  We need to find someone that is one same level as ourselves.

Coping saw:  a coping saw is a small tool used to intricately cut crown molding.  Crown molding needs to be cut perfectly so that when the wood expands it fits.  That is the same in our families.  In a family we all need to be working together so that we can fit perfectly together, but also expand when trials come, but then come right back together when the trial is over.

Fatherhood:  I loved the section about fatherhood.  Fathers are so important in the lives of the children and of course the wife.  Fathers need to take special time with their kids to help their kids grow up with a positive male role model.  This is especially important with daughters.  I hope that my husband plays a very active role with our children.

Working as a family:  The families that work together are the closest.  Children need to have chores to do in the house so that everyone is participating and working together.  In my family we all share the chores so that my step-mom doesn’t have to do everything.  It’s not fair that she does everything because we are all a family and we all need to help contribute.  

This week in class we talked about children’s needs and why they act out.  I learned that children want attention even if it’s bad attention.  So a child will continually act out in a negative way simply because he is getting some form of attention from his parents, even if it’s bad attention.  My teacher said something that really stuck out to me.  He said “behavior that gets noticed gets repeated.”  I have seen that to be true in my own family.  I am number seven of ten children so all of us were starved for attention.  Some of us acted out in bad ways, others tried to help out and get noticed in good ways.  I want to put that statement into effect when I have children.  If I notice and acknowledge all of the good things that they do throughout the day hopefully they will continue to do good things. 

This is a quote that I love from President Henry B. Eyring.  This hit’s really close to home for my family because my parents raised us very well, and several of my siblings are inactive and have strayed very far from the past.  But there is hope for those righteous parents that did all they could do to raise a righteous posterity. 

"Like Alma and King Mosiah, some faithful parents have served the Lord long and well yet have had children who wandered despite their parents’ sacrifice for the Lord. They have done all they could to no apparent avail, even with help from loving and faithful friends."

"Alma and the Saints of his day prayed for his son and the sons of King Mosiah. An angel came. Your prayers and the prayers of those who exercise their faith will bring the Lord’s servants to help your family members. They will help them choose the way home to God, even as they are attacked by Satan and his followers, whose purpose it is to destroy families in this life and in eternity."

"You remember the words spoken by the angel to Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah in their rebellion: “And again, the angel said: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.”

“Come unto Me”

April 2013 General Conference

President Henry B. Eyring

First Counselor in the First Presidency

Fatherhood

This week for class we were asked to write a paper on the importance of fatherhood.  I honestly loved writing this paper because I have so much love and respect for my father, and I know how important it is to have a good father in the home.  I found a website that gives ten steps on how to be a better dad:

1. Don't worry about being a great dad.
2. Try to live your normal pre-child life as soon as possible.
3. Give the mommy some time for herself.  
4. Get up with mom for late-night feedings.
5. Be affectionate with your baby, especially as they get older. 
6. Treat your kid the way that you wanted to be treated when you were a kid.
7. Don't ever abuse your kid.  Ever!
8. Advice on raising children is everywhere, and it's all contradictory, so be very careful which guide you follow.
9. Enjoy yourself.  It all goes by too quickly.
10. Learn what kids want most from their dad.

I absolutely love all of those steps.  They make a lot of sense and they don't seem too hard to follow.  I hope that my future husband will take these steps so that he can be the best father that he can be.

http://www.parents.com/parenting/dads/101/ways-to-be-a-great-dad/?page=6

Our discussion in class today was incredible!!!  We talked about having family council within our own families.  What is family council you ask?

“Whenever there are two or more members of a family together and a discussion is going on, that is a council! Family councils can be held in one-on-one talks between a parent and a child or among parents and several children. When a husband and wife talk to each other, they are holding a family council.

I think of the traditional definition that says a family council is a time when a father and mother sit down and go through a list of dos and don’ts with their children. I was never able to make it work that way. I found that when the list came out, it turned the children off. So I tried bringing up a specific problem—such as the garden needs weeding—and then simply asked the family, “What can we do about it? What are your ideas?”

A council is when parents let their children help solve the problem. And when everyone agrees to a solution, everyone will have ownership of the problem. If I tell the family, “You go out and pull the weeds,” there may be complaining or hurt feelings. But if I can help them to feel, “We all decided this,” then the family council is truly working. Before you know it, family members will be organizing themselves, saying, “You do this and I’ll do that.” That’s the power of a council.”

            -Elder M. Russell Ballard

By having a regular family council you make sure your whole family is on the same page.  You talk about problems/issues that need to be addressed and you also express your love for each other.  We have only had a few family councils with my family that I can remember, but I do remember loving them because I felt that my parents cared about what I thought and it felt good to work together as a family.

 On my mission we had something called companionship inventory every week.  This is where you and your companion talk about strengths and weaknesses of your companionship, problems that need to be resolved, then you give constructive criticism and lastly you tell the person what their strengths are and why you love them.  I loved companionship inventory, I found it to be very productive and quite enjoyable.  I was able to express my gratitude for my companion while she expressed hers for me.  Of course there were some awkward moments when we needed to talk about problems that were going on, but once we talked through them everything was so much better.

I am most definitely going to have family council with my future family.  I know it will make us stronger as a whole.  Strength in families is very needed especially in these last days that we live in.  

Coping Mechanisms

In class this last week our teacher brought in a coping saw.  

A coping saw is used to cut intricate external shapes and interior cutouts in woodworking or carpentry. It is used to cut moldings to created coped or shaped joints.  

When crowned molding is cut in a straight line, the lines don't match up perfectly and when the wood expands or shrinks there are spaces where the joints meet.  But when the corners are cut with a coping saw they are very tight and clean looking.

We related this to families and how families cope with different situations that they are placed in.  For my family, we have been through many, many experiences that have shaped us and made us grow closer together.  For that reason I think we cope with situations pretty well and we work together as a family pretty well.  Elder Richard G. Scott teaches us about the importance of working together as families and working together to have the Spirit in our homes:

"Many voices from the world in which we live tell us we should live at a frantic pace. There is always more to do and more to accomplish. Yet deep inside each of us is a need to have a place of refuge where peace and serenity prevail, a place where we can reset, regroup, and re-energize to prepare for future pressures."

"The ideal place for that peace is within the walls of our own homes, where we have done all we can to make the Lord Jesus Christ the centerpiece."

"Some homes have a father who is a worthy priesthood holder joined by a faithful, devoted mother who together lead in righteousness. Many homes have a different configuration. Regardless of your circumstances, you can center your home and your life on the Lord Jesus Christ, for He is the source of true peace in this life."

For Peace at Home

Elder Richard G. Scott

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

April 2013 General Conference

Marital Happiness

I loved our discussions in class this week.  We talked all about marital happiness, what we should do when planning a wedding, and what kind of changes are made when you first get married.

I will first address the subject of planning for the wedding.  You shouldn't spend too much time on planning for the wedding and reception, but plan for a marriage and focus on the fact that you are getting married in the temple.  Someone in class mentioned putting a temple cake-topper on the top of the cake to remind everyone about the importance of the temple.  That stuck out to me and I am going to do something like that for my wedding.  I want the temple to be the center of my wedding and wedding reception.  My sister and her husband met in Africa while teaching children English.  On the top of their wedding cake they had a cutout of the shape of Africa, with a little heart of the place where they met in Mozambique.  Here is a picture of it,

It is kind of small, but I thought it was a very beautiful cake topper that was very unique and special to them because they both love Africa and it is where they met and fell in love. 

In class we also discussed the adjustments that need to be made when you first get married.  And I have to say I really enjoyed this section of the class.  A lot of married couples in the class told stories about how they had to change the way they sleep, because some people are cuddlers while other aren't.  Also people have to decide how they are going to load the dishwasher, how they are going to squeeze the toothpaste tube, and many different things.  

I always thought that marriage would be an easy adjustment, but in reality there are a lot of things to be considered and that need to be talked about prior to marriage.  

Also, in class in the past and with the people that sit around me we have talked about the importance of the women in the home.  A mother's influence is so important, and a woman's influence on her husband is extremely important too.  It is so important for women to support their husbands and lift them up.  I love this quote about the struggles that men have, and I have shared this with many different people:

"It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Brethren, don’t listen to him."

"We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents."

"Now, brethren, compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren, that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time."

  -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

For class this week we had to write on a discussion board about the baby blues.  Did you know that on average in this nation marital satisfaction goes down with each child?  And it only goes up when each child leaves the home!  I had no idea that that was the case.  I made me think back on my family.  Did my parents get more and more depressed with each child?  There are ten children in my family and if that was the case they would be in the depths of despair I think!  But thinking back on it, my parents always seemed so happy and loved to watch all of us kids learn and grow.  I remember my Dad told me one time that my Mother was always at her happiest when she was pregnant.  I think that it so beautiful.

If couples focus on their kids, the gospel and their personal relationship I don't see how they could decrease in happiness with each child.

"First, I have observed that in the happiest marriages both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth. They both leave their fathers and mothers and set out together to build a marriage that will prosper for eternity. They understand that they walk a divinely ordained path. They know that no other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement. Watch and learn: the best marriage partners regard their marriages as priceless."

-Elder L. Whitney Clayton

This week in class we had to turn in a family systems project.  I compared my family to a layered bean dip.  I related each one of my family members to a different ingredient in the dip.  For instance my step-mom is the refried beans.  The refried beans are on the bottom of the dip, they are the foundation.  Jonnie, my step-mom, is our foundation, she keeps us grounded and has helped us through some trying times. 

We then had to talk about the different systems in our families.  I realized that there are many different systems within my own family.  It was really fun to see and recognize why some of my siblings are closer than others, and why some of us group together and why some do not.  It made me really homesick for my siblings too.  It is so hard for me to be away from them, especially from my nieces and nephews. 

Family is the most important system on this earth.  It is important to study them, and try to find out how we can make our own families more successful as well as other families.  

Today in class we discussed same-sex attraction.  This is a touchy subject for most LDS members.  But I enjoy discussing it and hearing different peoples’ views on the topic.  The question was brought up “are people born gay?”  I personally do not agree with that statement.  Our teacher made a comment somewhere along the lines of “people say that God created gays that way, that God gave them that temptation.  But God does not give people temptation, Satan does.”  I truly agree with that comment!  We are all perfect and cannot be tempted before the age of accountability which is eight years old.  So we could not possibly be born with that kind of temptation because God will not allow Satan to tempt us at that age.  For people who develop those feelings of same sex attraction, I do believe that it can be overcome.  Any trial or sin we have committed can be overcome by the power of the atonement.  It is a promise that God will not tempt us above what we can handle. 

We should not judge others on what they do with their lives.  I love the saying that states: 

The truth is we all sin, just in different ways.  But we need to help each other out to become better, and not judge each other for what we are doing.  I love the scripture in Matthew 5:22 that says:

“But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment…….”

Love one another, three simple words that we can all live by to help the world be a better place to live in.  

This week in class we talked about how the world is being more tolerant of television shows, music, and media in general.  A girl in class gave an example of her and her roommates.  Her roommates watch the movie Modern Family.  There is a gay couple in the show.  She at first did not like the show and did not want to watch it.  Her roommates watched it, so she tolerated it and started watching it with them.  Next thing she knew she was enjoying the show with them.  This is an example of “first we abhor, then we tolerate, then we embrace.”  I know that statement to be true in the life of others and in my own life.  It is hard to stay strong sometimes when everyone around you are not living the way they should.  I love this quote;

"Be certain that every decision you make, whether temporal or spiritual, is conditioned on what the Savior would have you do. When He is the center of your home, there is peace and serenity. There is a spirit of assurance that pervades the home, and it is felt by all who dwell there."

"The fulfillment of this counsel does not rest upon parents alone, although it is their role to lead. Children can be responsible for improving the Christ-centered efforts in the home. It is important for parents to teach children to recognize how their actions affect each individual who lives in the home. Children who are made to feel accountable for their actions, whether righteous or otherwise, grow to become trustworthy citizens in the kingdom of God."

For Peace at Home

Elder Richard G. Scott

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

April 2013 General Conference

If we simply think about Christ in all of our decisions in life then we will be blessed, and we will always make the right decisions!  

In class this week we did a role play with a mother, father and daughter.  The daughter was suffering from asthma.  The mother was very stressed because her daughter had asthma.  The father was stressed because his wife was stressed.  It was a vicious circle.  We found out in class that if the parents take care of their problems first and work things out, usually the child's problem will usually get solved.  This reminds me of the parenting pyramid.

The Parenting Pyramid illustrated what steps need to be taken and in what order, in order to be better parents.  First you need to work on yourself and make sure that you are taking care of yourself.  Then you need to work on your relationship with your spouse.  Next work on your parent/child relationship.  Next you teach the child and if necessary correct them.  If one part of the pyramid is going wrong, you need to back up and complete the first part of the pyramid first in order for everything to work out right.

I love the parenting pyramid and I know it will be useful in my life when I get married and start a family.  And I hope that it will help all of you with anything that you need!

I learned something huge this week in class.  Our teacher taught us that family relationships are more important to adolescents than to adults.  I thought it was the other way around!  It seems that teenagers these days don't want anything to do with their parents or siblings.  They want to be free to live their own lives and they don't seem to care about their family relations.  But a study was done with adolescents and the majority agreed that their family relations are very important to them.  I'm really glad to know that the world and especially adolescents still value the family and know how important it really is.

"In family relationships, love is really spelled T.I.M.E.  We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities."

-President Uchtdorf

My name is Debra Donkin.  I am number 7 of 10 children.  The picture above is of my siblings and I.  I love my family more than anything in the whole world!  I love families in general.  For my future career I want to help out struggling families in some way.  I am taking a Family Relations class at BYU Idaho to help me understand families better.  The purpose of this blog is to share my feelings and thoughts about families and what I have learned in my class throughout the semester.  I hope you enjoy!